Time to step it up

I can't believe I've just let important things in my life go. I've been so down about my knee situation, I've let important things slip away. I just looked back at how long its been since my last love dare entry. Its not just that I'm not doing entries, its that I've stopped moving forward in my dare. I haven't stopped, I've continued to practice the things I've learned so far, but I haven't progressed. I hate being stagnant and thats how I feel right now. My husband, my marriage and my family deserve better from me. I've continued to work at being patient every day, but I've let my circumstances get in the way and I know I could have done better. Okay, so I'm in pain, so I may have some difficult times up ahead.......SO WHAT!?!?! Its time for me to stop wallowing and get back to living. Why do we do that, why do we let the bumps in the road knock us down? I'm a Christian walking my faith.....but where is my faith when the waters get rough? I know God is in the boat, yet I still worry and fret. You know I hear people talking about how the 'd' is attacking them......but I think most of the time he sits back and laughs cuz I attack my ownself more than he ever could. I want to be the kind of woman that scares the 'd' when I get out of bed not causes him good entertainment. I want to stand up and be that woman.......I'm determined to start being that woman.......the woman God has called me to be. I have everything I need in life, and its time I started to realize that. He is my source, not the doctors, not the politicians, not the people who tell me their my friends and then walk away, not my finances.........He, God Almighty is all I need!

Kim

frustrated angry scared

Today had been a rough day for me. For those that don't know.......I'm 42 and I've had 2 knee replacements on the same knee......the first in June 2005 then then cement came loose and they had to re do it in March 2007. Now if you didn't know, a knee replacement is supposed to last about 20 years.....obviously mine wasn't even 2. My other knee has been hurting a lot and I've been told its because I have no cartlidge left and need to replace it as well.....which has been scheduled for June when I'm off work for the summer(I work for the school district). I was doing okay with that, but then yesterday, the right knee, the one I've had replaced twice, started hurting really bad so I went to the doc today. The x-rays show that it might have come loose again. I have a bone scan on Wednesday to get a better look........but things are not looking good. If its loose again......I have to have it redone yet again. Its extremely painful right now, so it will be hard to make it to June, much less any farther. They don't know why I can't seem to get one to work for more than 2 years, but you can only replace it so many times........at this rate, I could have to have an amputation in a few years.......or just not be able to walk. They say there is another kind of replacement that goes all the way down the lower bone in my leg.....through the center of it almost to the ankle, but they don't like to use it on someone so young because it wears the bone out to fast. But what options do I have.........not many. And my left knee still needs to be done as well. I'm frustrated.......I'm angry..........and I'm really scared where this is all heading. Joint replacement is a difficult surgery to recover from........painful, long, exhausting. I'm trying really hard not to fall apart........but I'm just sitting here on the edge. Crying doesn't help, yelling doesn't help.....I will continue to pray because its the only thing that can help. Please pray for me..........I need all the help I can get.

Thanks,
Kim

love dare day 26

This day is about admitting my own mistakes and asking God and my husband to forgive me for them. This is a process I had already been going through for sometime. There are so many mistakes I've made over the years and as I have grown with God, I've been working with Him, not only to ask for forgiveness, but also to be able to forgive myself. That's a problem I have alot, when I mess up, and I do alot, people around me forgive me, I know God forgives me, but I have a hard time forgiving myself and letting things go. I allow my mistakes to hold me hostage and it affects how I am around others. If we live in guilt, its hard to be a joyful person. This is an area of my life I've been working on and will continue to do so. The thing I will be working hard on as well is in the midst of an argument, stepping back to see if I'm out of line and repenting immediately. I can repent sometime after an event, but to do so immediately and change my attitude in the moment is much more difficult. I know I tend to get defensive and sometimes say things I wish I hadn't later, but in the moment I'm selfish and proud, but I need to be humble and loving. I will continue to work in that area as well. I'm so glad Jim has chosen to love me all these years even though I know there are many times I'm not too loveable. I will conciously make the effort to admit my wrongs immediately and change my attitude from selfish to humble.

Kim