Today was about praying for my spouse. This isn't a new concept to me, so this wasn't a difficult task. However, praying for God to work on his hear to change things I would like to see changed in him wasn't so easy. Part of me felt like I was betraying him by naming those things, yet another part of me understood that there are faults in us all and only God can help heal and change those faults. I'm not going to tell you what I prayed for, that would be a betrayal of Jim, but besides praying for his faults to be changed, I also prayed for my own. Believe me I have many. I've decided to be transparent in these blogs, so here goes. I prayed for me to be more fun and less judgmental. I prayed that I could be more forgiving and quicker to do so. I've also had some health issues that have interfered with the intimate part of our relationship. I know Jim would be okay with me sharing this so.........I have some conditions with my muscles, fibromyalgia is the diagnosis, but I have some things that go on that no doctor can find an association with fibro for. I have intense muscle spasms throughout my body, including during intimacy. These spasms are extremely painful and make intimacy very painful. This has been going on for some time. I believe because of the pain, I have some emotional blocks to really enjoying intimacy because I'm expecting the pain. I also take some medication that doesn't help my libido. My husband has been incredibly understanding with this and unfortunately, physical intimacy has seriously suffered because of it. It had become like a chore for me to be intimate, something I felt I needed to do, rather than wanted to do. Therefore, it didn't happen as often as it should have. Although Jim has accepted this, its not fair to him or to us. My major prayer is for me to move beyond the emotional boundaries and for God to heal the painful parts of intimacy so I can love my husband as he deserves to be loved, in the bedroom and out. I'm very emotional sharing this right now, because I feel like I've deprived Jim, our marriage and myself from what we deserve, what God intended for us. If only I had begun working through this sooner. It's a new day and I'm ready for God to do some amazing things in me and in us. I had read ahead and began these prayers yesterday and for the first time in longer than I can remember, I had no pain in intimacy last night. Maybe this is all too revealing for some to read, but if we don't talk about these things, how do we ever move on. This has felt like a secret I've been too embarrassed for anyone to know, but I'm revealing it and claiming it to change in the name of Jesus Christ! I think I've shared enough for tonight. I'm just so thankful God is helping me to become a better, more loving wife. May God bless you all!!!!
Kim
No comments:
Post a Comment