Counting down our lives away

After I wrote my blog yesterday about all of the countdowns going on in my life, I thought about how often we do that, countdown. I thought about how quickly life goes, yet we seem to focus on counting what little time we have away rather on focusing on the beautiful moments unfolding before our eyes.

I've found myself so stressed and short fused lately as the "countdowns" near the finish line. I'm not treasuring the process. I'm only dreading and stressing over the time until the "moment" arrives. As if when that moment gets here, all will bring everything in the world into alignment. Yes, having my kids here from California will be wonderful! And celebrating their love will be fabulous! But shouldn't the moments with the rest of the family in preparation be cherished too? I noticed today as things didn't seem to go the way I thought it should (because my plan is always right) that I had no patience for the loved ones around me who were working so hard to make things so special.

Perhaps instead of focusing on the countdown and the fact that my plan wasn't happening, I should realize there's a bigger plan in play and I need to cherish each and every moment as it comes. My son has been so amazing, doing whatever is asked of him, whether that be cleaning the house, climbing in trees to hang lights, picking up dinner for his gma, or taking his uncle to the hospital late at night...Seriously, whatever I need, he's there. Yet, I'm so busy counting down, I'm missing all the beautiful things he's doing. My mom is working her fingers to the bone making the most beautiful flowers for her only granddaughter, whatever she's going through. My uncle has been replacing Christmas light bulbs like crazy. Even a complete stranger in a hardware store offered to go through her own Christmas decorations to find me strings of lights when I couldn't find any so we could finish our decorations.

So many beautiful moments that I haven't had time to notice, until now, because I'm so busy counting down. In a blink of an eye, 47 years have passed. Could it be because I'm counting it down and wishing it away? Time, one thing we seem to spend frivolously and can never get back.

My prayer tonight is to savor every morsel of time in this coming week...no more countdowns. Thanks you Father for reminding me that every moment is a precious gift from You!

God Bless,
~Kim

Countdowns

I have so many countdowns going on right now!

In just over 41 hours, my beautiful daughter will be here from California for almost 2 weeks!!! So excited to see her!!!

In just over 90 hours, my wonderful son-in-law will be here from California for 9 days!!! So excited to see him!!!

And in 6 days my amazing California kids will be renewing their wedding vows in the big wedding they didn't get to have when the married last year!!! It's been quite a planning and executing process and I can't wait to see it all come together!

So here's the story behind it all....

April and Justin met through eharmony back in November of 2011 and talked through email, skype, and phone for 3 months before finally meeting up in Seattle in February 2012. Justin lived in San Francisco and April in Eastern Washington. I and one of April's friends went with her to Seattle, and Justin and one of his friends met us there. As soon as I saw the two lovebirds look at each other, this Momma knew they would marry. I had no doubt God had intended for this couple to have the forever kind of love. Before the weekend was over...they knew it too.

It was a hard good bye, but they managed. In April, Justin sacrificed another trip he'd been planning so he could come and spend April's birthday weekend with her. So sweet. They had a great time...but another difficult good bye. In June, April was graduating college and Justin came for the first extended visit. It was going to be 10 days. He arrived the weekend of her graduation. The beginning of the next week they had planned a dance lesson. They went and had a blast. I remember getting the call when they were done. I could hear the joy in their voices. They were going to show me their moves when they arrived at the house.

I heard the front door open.... suddenly things changed! More than I knew at the time. April ran in ahead of Justin, the look on my daughters face....fear, shock...I didn't know why??? She took hold of me and looked hard into my eyes and said, "Mom, it's bad! It's his  mom!" At which point I heard the screen door, and the next minute he's in my arms in tears... I still don't know fully what's happened. I'm not sure if she's hurt...sick... or worse... All I know is they need me at that moment. I hold him...I pray...

When he breaks away, he tells me he needs to find a flight home. Then April tells me his mom is in the hospital... not sure of the whole situation, but it's bad. Then she looks at me and says, "I'm going with him." She's 24, what am gonna say? The plan is she'll go for a few days and help out, then come home.

That was the plan.... our plan. God's plan was a bit different. It turns out his mom had a very aggressive thyroid cancer and there was nothing they could do. April decided to stay and help care for her. She lived in the basement of the house at night and sat at her bedside during the day. This woman she'd never met... she loved her and cared for her and stayed in the hospital with her day after day. She was her mother-in-law the day they met...even if they weren't married, or even engaged yet.

A short time later, he proposed at the beach. Then on the evening of Thursday, July 12th I got a call. Mom, we're getting married on Saturday afternoon. The doctors say she hasn't got long and we want her to be at our wedding. So we book the first flight out on Friday. April, her dad, and I spend the day shopping for a wedding dress (her big fancy dress is home in alterations) and flowers and other decorations to make it special. Then, with less than 36 hours to put it together, they get married in the conference room in the hospital. And it was beautiful. His mom got to be a part of it and we're so thankful for that. She has since passed and went on to be with Jesus.

In 6 days, we will have the fairy tale wedding with the big fancy dress that every little girl dreams of. It too will be beautiful. But what is even more beautiful....the life these two wonderful, selfless people will have as they walk the journey with each other and with God!

I love you April and Justin! I can't wait to see you both! I only wish I could slow down the turning of time a bit once you arrive so I can savor my time with you that much more!

God Bless
~Kim

A little discomfort or a lot of misery or worse?

It's been a long while since I blogged... I feel like I have to share before I explode LOL

I've been going through so difficult times with my mom lately. Not that she's difficult at all! Back in January, she had an episode that caused her to lose a great deal of blood when she went to the bathroom, which then caused her heart rate to drop dramatically and confusion to come on her. We didn't know about the blood loss at first because of the confusion, she didn't remember losing the blood and she had flushed the toilet. Later after the hospital had her stabilized, her memory began to return. However her blood pressure was up and so they couldn't do the tests needed to find out the cause of the blood loss for several more weeks.

First you have to understand, my mom had not been to a doctor in many years for anything. She is 70 years old and had been incredibly healthy and active up until this incident and saw no need to see a doctor. After she was released from the hospital, she saw a general practioner, a heart specialist, and a tummy doctor. Once we got her blood pressure down, they scheduled a colonoscopy.

Like everyone who's ever had one, the prep is no fun, yet necessary. I took her in for the procedure. My brother was out of town. My husband is a truck driver and was working a couple hundred miles away. My daughter lives 700 miles away. My dad passed years ago. My son was at school. So it was just me and mom. I gave her a hug and sent her back.

When she came out they called me back to see her. She was pretty out of it, as would be expected. After a little while the nurse pulled me aside and asked me to come to another room. There the doctor looked at me with this look I'll never forget. I had no doubt what he was going to tell me wouldn't be good....and it wasn't. It was cancer and it was bad! There was a large tumor blocking 95% of the colon and more that were smaller. He was hopeful that it was possible with surgery and chemo that she could survive. He asked if I had any siblings and that I needed to call them and get them here. Somehow that didn't sound so hopeful to me.

Well since then mom has had her surgery (2/3 of her colon removed and resected) and has recently complete the halfway mark of her chemo treatments. It's been difficult to watch. As I said before, she's always been healthy and active. In less than 6 months, she's lost 50 pounds. She sleeps a good share of the day and when she's awake, she moves so slowly. Confusion and memory lapses, or she calls it, "chemo fog" is common these days. She's having some issues with kidney function now, something they'll look more into after chemo is completed.

I wish I could take it on for her. I hate watching her go through this.

I recently was talking to someone about having routine colonoscopies done because of the history of colon cancer in my family(My dad also had colon cancer) as well as my own history with cancer (I'm a cancer survivor as well...not colon, but it still increases my chances), and she asked how bad the stuff you have to drink is. I remember thinking the same kind of thing once..... but when she asked, my eyes teared up and I got a lump in my throat. It took a minute before I could answer her. When I did, I said, "I'm not gonna lie, it's not fun. It doesn't taste good and it is meant to clean you out. But I've been watching my mom go through the alternative. She never had it done until there was a problem. Surgery was tough, chemo is hell, and if it doesn't work..... Please, take it from me, just do it, and don't wait!"

My mom has been such a trooper through this all! I believe she has gotten closer to God through the storm! I don't know how I would make it most days without the strength of the Lord to carry me through! I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I do know where my eternity will be!

God Bless
~Kim

Christmas Traditions

I've been thinking about Christmas traditions in our family lately, and how they might change over the coming years as my children continue to grow and will soon be moving away and starting their own families. In many ways this makes me sad, in other ways I'm excited to see what will come. Since I was a child I've celebrated Christmas on Christmas Eve. As I thought about this tradition, I realize it has changed a lot over the years. When I was very small I remember traveling from my Great Grandma's to my Aunt and Uncle's to my Grandma's and finally finishing at my house, opening gifts and snacking all along the way. As the years went on, the number of stops got less and less until for the past several years it's been at my Mom's house only. We still have stockings and we still have plenty of snacky foods and presents, but it's different. It's still good, just different. Years ago I began a tradition in our home of waking up Christmas morning and gathering around the tree to open a gift to our family together. The gift would include the story of the birth of Jesus, a reminder to focus on Jesus, as well as the baby Jesus from my nativity scene wrapped up in beautiful paper. It's one of my favorite traditions, but what will become of it when my kids are gone with their own families and their own traditions? I think my husband and I will continue it, but it certainly won't be the same. We have always went Christmas lights watching about a week before Christmas. We travel all around town looking for the best, most beautiful, cutest, funnest, and most gawdy light displays out there while singing Christmas carols and laughing like crazy! I don't even know how much of the holiday time I will see my kids in a few years. I guess that's the process of life, change is always happening. As long as we always put Jesus first and our family second, I guess I can live with some change. I will miss the traditions of the past, but I look forward to whatever new traditions crop up. I do hope my kids will carry some traditions on through the future generations. I'm so thankful for so many wonderful memories that I will cherish every day! Wishing you beautiful Christmas traditions and memories this Christmas and in many Christmases to come! God Bless!

~Kim

I'm Thankful For...

Last Sunday I asked my middle school Sunday School class to make a list of 50 things they're thankful for. I think I need to do the same. Yes, Thanksgiving was yesterday, but I'm thankful every day. So here is my list in no particular order (after the first 3):

1. My salvation

2. My relationship with Jesus

3. My family, and incredible husband and the 2 most amazing kids in all the land!

4. My home

5. Plenty to nourish my body

6. Sunsets

7.The beach

8. Love

9. Health

10. Transportation

11. Freedom

12. A great church

13. Awesome friends

14. A job I love and fill fulfilled in

15. The opportunity to go to school

16. Trees

17. Flowers

18. My dog Oreo

19. Safety

20. Sight

21. Hearing

22. Peace

23. Patience

24. Hope

25. The smell of baking cookies

26. Laughter

27. Sorrow

28. Breath

29. Joy

30. Smiles

31. Struggles

32. Rain

33. Poetry

34. Music

35. Dance

36. Fall

37. Common Sense

38. Silliness

39. Movie nights with my daughter

40. Pillows

41. Playdough

42. Crayons

43. Jeans

44. Game Nights

45. The ability to express my opinion

46. My extended family

47. Campfires

48. Walks

49. Washing machines

50. Cotton Candy

51. Cracker Jacks

52. Imagination

53. Randomness

54. Hot Chocolate

55. Candy Canes (preferrably in 54)

56. Hugs

57. The Bible

58. Summer nights

59. Snow days

60. Books

61. Voice

62. Grace

63. Forgiveness

64. Storms

65. Christmas

66. Chocolate

67. Gilmore Girls

68. Great Coworkers

69. The people who are the "thorns" that make me grow

70. Snuggling

71. The roar of the ocean

72. Being able to serve

73. Tears

74. Contentment

75. Shoes

76. Soap

77. Hands

78. Highighters

79. Water

80. Bowling

81. Medical technology

82. Dreams

83. Clouds

84. The wind

85. Alone time

86. A voice that only God can love when I sing

87. Candles

88. Colors

89. Mountains

90. Beer battered onion rings

91. The Rodeo

92. My future

93. My past

94. My here and now

95. Prayer

96. The bath tub

97. Loose change

98. Children

99. Silly songs

100. Memories

Ok so I went a little farther than 50....I actually could keep going awhile longer. I wonder how many things you could come up with if you took the time to think about it. Thanksgiving isn't a day in November, it's an attitude we should have all year long.

God Bless,

~Kim

All About The Turkey

Thanksgiving is almost here and it has me thinking about what that means. Why is it we hear about 101 ways to cook a turkey, but little about why the turkey even matters? Thanksgiving is a tradition that is about much more than whether your bird is juicy or not. It's about celebrating the beginning of the discovery of our land. It's about being thankful for the amazing blessings that we take for granted on a daily, if not hourly basis. It's about holding our families close and realizing what a gift they are in all their imperfections. I'm overwhelmed with love and peace and joy and health and food and safety and comfort and so many other things I could fill up this blog with only the list. This year I'm more thankful for health because a few months ago it was shaken so I don't take in for granted anymore. I'm more thankful for my family all being under the same roof because it could be the last year they are. I'm more thankful for my mom because she's getting older and I don't know how much longer I'll have her. I'm more thankful for my husband because tough circumstances in life have brought us closer together. I'm more thankful for down time because I don't have any. Why do we have to wait for a holiday or life's circumstances to make us realize the amazing life we have? I think I'm going to start a daily journal of the things I'm thankful for so I can refocus on that attitude each day. God has blessed me so richly I can't even begin to share, yet I forget about those blessings when someone cuts me off in traffic or a coworker treats me poorly. Somehow I can't remember to love as Christ loves me (undeservedly) when someone in my family doesn't act as I think they should. Why have we come to the point of being thankful with qualifiers? Well I plan to change my attitude to an attitude of thankfulness always!!! Starting today I will be grateful for all that I have and all that I don't because I trust in what God is doing in my life and I'm thankful for it!

distractions

It's been a really long time since I've been here, but I think its time for my blogger return.
Life has been so busy... full time work, full time school, family, church, home..... it feels as if I never have a moment to do anything just because I want to. Well, I've decided I want to blog so here I am!!!

In my English class we've been talking about how we can get so distracted by everything around us and how distractions can endanger our democracy. The more I think about it the more true that seems to me. Everyone is so busy with their individual lives that they don't think about the whole of us often enough. I know I sometimes think about the things I'd like to change in this country, but what do I do about it?!?! A couple of years ago I took a small group of people to a local school to pray for our children, our schools, and our teachers. My plan was to do this every summer with the hope of gathering more people each year. What happened to that plan? I got distracted. Now that's not to say I didn't have some important things distracting me. The first summer I got distracted from this plan was because I was diagnosed with cancer...that's a reasonable distraction, yet this past summer I was cancer free and didn't make it back. If it were as important to me as I thought it was, I would find the time to plan it right? Isn't that what we all do...have great intentions until we get distracted. I hate to admit it, but I've even been distracted to the point that I forgot to vote! It's so not okay! What could possibly distract me so much that I forget to do the one thing that we can all do to make democracy work?!?! If I can't stay focused enough to at least cast my opinion in the process how can I expect the democratic system to work? We as a nation must stay focused, not just to vote, but to be educated voters! My life is busy and full of distractions because I live in a country that allows me access to education, freedom of religion, freedom of speech, and financial security! Perhaps I need to be more grateful and think about whether I want these freedoms to be distracted for my kids, grandkids, and great grandkids. It's about prioritizing our lives and putting the distractions in their place. We need to take responsibility for our part of the democratic system. I need to take responsibility for my part in this great country I live in!!

~Kim

Darkness (a monologue) by Kim Holdiman

Darkness….a monologue by Kim Holdiman

I lived in a dark world

Never knew my daddy

Momma was always sick

I didn’t know why back then

She’d fall down all the time

Get mad at the drop of the hat

Laugh at nothing

People would come and take me to live with them

It was never for more than a few days, maybe weeks

I remember going home

I was happy

Then momma got sick again

Real sick

Some man came over

He said momma said he could show me “love”

I closed my eyes when his dirty hands touched me

Now I was sick

Before long, momma brought in lots of men to “love” me

At 14 I left home

I thought it would be better

It was like darkness followed me

I slept in an alley

It was cold and dark

So very dark

I couldn’t close my eyes

People were moving all around me

Fear clenched my throat

I had no money, no food

I ate from dumpsters and slept in the dirt

Then a man came by

He seemed kind

He said I could stay with him

He had an extra room

He didn’t seem like momma’s friends

Later I realized he wasn’t

He was darker and scarier

He started hitting me

Then he brought other men

They were like momma’s friends

When I didn’t want to do it

He made me take some pills

Later he had me snort some powder up my nose

Then it was a needle

Everything became a blur

One day he told me to go to the store

I never went back

I got in a car with a guy

He drove me to another town

Of course only if I let him show me “love”

I met some “friends”

They were getting high all the time

Just like me

I still saw men

But I did it on my own

It took money to live

Most of the time I was so high

I didn’t care

Darkness, darkness all around

Sometimes I couldn’t even breath

One night I got busted

I vaguely remember going in

What I do remember is the pain

When I couldn’t get my next fix

The darkness took over

Then suddenly the cell door opened

And this man came in

He had kind eyes, but so do some others

I withdrew into the corner of my cell

I was sweating and chilling

The pain was overwhelming

I just wanted to die

I thought this man wanted “love”

But the only thing he touched was my hand

He held it and said he’d be there through it all

Was he here to watch me die?

My nose was running

My muscles ached

I couldn’t sit still

I got so sick

He held my hand through it all

As he did I kept hearing him talking

I couldn’t focus on what he was saying

Was he talking to me

Himself or was someone else there

I didn’t know

Slowly I started to feel a little better

I started hearing him saying something about hope

Hope for what? The street?

Then I heard the word future

Yeah like I had a bright future

Then I heard forgiveness

My entire life was unforgiveable

But for the first time in my life

The darkness seemed to fade a bit

Like someone cracked a door

Letting a little light shine in

I was beginning to focus now

He talked about a forever kind of love

A love that wouldn’t harm me

A love that was real, not physical

I was confused

I only knew one kind of love

And I didn’t want it forever

He told me of a man named Jesus

How He died on the cross so I could live

Not a life like I had known

But a life of joy

I didn’t know what that word joy meant

But he continued to talk to me

Read to me out of a book

He told me I was a chosen generation

He told me God would forgive me

He would give me everlasting life

Not the kind of life I knew

But one filled with love and joy

More light came in from the door

He told me if I confessed my sin

Asked for forgiveness

And asked God to live in my heart

I could have the kind of life

I couldn’t have even dreamed about

He said God could heal me of my drug addiction

He could deliver me from the streets

He held my hands and asked me

If I wanted to ask Jesus into my heart

It was then that I realized I was crying

Not scared tears or sad tears

For the first time that I could remember

I was smiling

They were happy tears

Tears of joy

I said a prayer with the man

And it was like the sun came out

As I confessed my sin

As I asked Him into my heart

Something changed in me

The darkness that had smothered me

Was gone

In its place was a great light

A warm light

For the first time in my life

I felt what real love felt like

I cried and cried

I cried for the life I had lived

For the pain and the fear

I cried for the new life I’d just received

I cried for what could be

The man came back every day

To read to me out of his book

To pray with me

To talk with me

And to listen to me

When they let me out of jail

I realized I’d already been set free

The man took me to a shelter

He introduced me to people

Who also prayed with me

He handed me the book he’d been reading

He told me it was the book of life

He said to read it to find out

What God wants for my life

It was as if I’d been cleansed

I didn’t want drugs anymore

I wanted this hope and future

The book talked about

The shelter helped me find a job

I got my own place

I found a church that

Took me in and loved me

As soon as I was able

I started going into jails

And holding hands

Reading my Book

Praying

Loving

Leading

God is good!

Here are pictures of my daughters new haircut. She donated over 14 inches of hair to locks of love. She'd been growing it out for a couple of years. She had planned to continue to grow it out because she had plans of getting married in December. Then a couple of weeks ago she realized she wasn't in love with her fiance and she broke off the relationship. She decided to cut her hair......I think to do something new and different to start the next stage of her life. I think it is very cute. There is a before and some after pics.

Time to step it up

I can't believe I've just let important things in my life go. I've been so down about my knee situation, I've let important things slip away. I just looked back at how long its been since my last love dare entry. Its not just that I'm not doing entries, its that I've stopped moving forward in my dare. I haven't stopped, I've continued to practice the things I've learned so far, but I haven't progressed. I hate being stagnant and thats how I feel right now. My husband, my marriage and my family deserve better from me. I've continued to work at being patient every day, but I've let my circumstances get in the way and I know I could have done better. Okay, so I'm in pain, so I may have some difficult times up ahead.......SO WHAT!?!?! Its time for me to stop wallowing and get back to living. Why do we do that, why do we let the bumps in the road knock us down? I'm a Christian walking my faith.....but where is my faith when the waters get rough? I know God is in the boat, yet I still worry and fret. You know I hear people talking about how the 'd' is attacking them......but I think most of the time he sits back and laughs cuz I attack my ownself more than he ever could. I want to be the kind of woman that scares the 'd' when I get out of bed not causes him good entertainment. I want to stand up and be that woman.......I'm determined to start being that woman.......the woman God has called me to be. I have everything I need in life, and its time I started to realize that. He is my source, not the doctors, not the politicians, not the people who tell me their my friends and then walk away, not my finances.........He, God Almighty is all I need!

Kim